I'm not sharing my struggles and successes with anyone who can't read this blog, so maybe...two people? I'm just so very tired of this lifelong battle. I'm tired of starting and getting everyone excited and supportive and then failing and seeing that disappointment. Worse, I'm tired of saying I'm going to start making healthy changes again and seeing absolutely no response but, "That's nice..." in a very disbelieving tone. I don't blame anyone. I have trouble believing in me, too. But you can't stop until you're dead, right? And I'm not ready for that.
I weighed myself this morning for the first time in forever. I have MyFitnessPal back on the main screen of my iPhone. My FitBit is charged up and ready to go. I'm about to go downstairs to the cafeteria and have a salad for lunch. I can DO this.
Things I'm looking forward to changing:
- When I nod my head, I won't have to feel the fat under my chin move.
- When I look at myself sideways in a mirror, I won't be shocked by how little curve there is from the bottom of my boobs to the beginning of my stomach.
- When I wear short sleeve shirts...wait. WEARING short sleeve shirts. Because right now, I don't. Even when it's 100 degrees outside.
- When going out or meeting up with friends, I won't feel that panic of how they're going to feel when they meet me and see how much weight I've gained.
- Not seeing my mother every time I look in the mirror.
- Walking up or down stairs and not wincing at the pain shooting through my knee.
- Eating fresh vegetables! How did I get away from this? I LOVE fresh vegetables. A lot.
I've lost weight before. I have been 50 pounds less than I currently am. I remember those days very fondly. I miss that person. I miss feeling healthier and having more energy.
So today, on Wednesday, May 20, 2015, I am back on the wagon. And I'm putting on my seat belt so I don't fall off when I hit a bump.
a) I love you. b) I'm looking forward to your journey - remember, you are never alone, even if I can't take every step beside you.
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