Waking Up

It's funny how this brain thing works. Last week, I was not sure I could do this. I didn't even really know where or how to start.

Yesterday, my doctor told me to join Weight Watchers because it had worked for me before. I threw excuses at him, and he very calmly, and with a smile on his face, squashed all of the stupid excuses. When I've told people in the past that I want to lose weight, there's all of this push-back. When I tell them my doctor told me to, there's suddenly support coming out of the woodwork.

And I can't put it off until next week like I wanted to. There's a "Lose the First 10 Pounds on Us" promotion that ends after June 1, so I have to join NOW. 

I feel like all of this is happening for a reason, and it's fantastic! I haven't felt this filled with hope in SO long. It's like finding out I get to go see one of my best friends. I'm EXCITED.

I have woken up.

I'm a Runner

Last Friday, my father-in-law had a massive stroke and life has gone haywire. Food logging went out the window. Stress levels went through the roof. Fear and uncertainty were the names of the game.

He survived, thank the HEAVENS, but it will be a long and arduous process to get him and the family back to a sense of normalcy. With that one blood clot that came on so suddenly, everything changed.

Today, I finally went back to work, and started my day with a doctor's appointment that I had made about a week ago. I have an anxiety disorder, and it was time to look over my medication. He decided to up my dosage (yay!), and brought up my weight in the nicest way possible. I have a very kind doctor, for which I am eternally grateful. He reminds me a lot of the bar owner from "Good Morning Vietnam", but without the creepy vibe. He knows what he's talking about and is very good at explaining things without sounding like he's talking down to you.

He wants me to join Weight Watchers.

I've done this in the past and had great results. Maybe that's why I fear trying it again. I explained that I can't afford it. He pointed out that it's only $20 per month. He seemed so sure that I could do this that it seems silly not to try it again. So next week (because payday), I will be joining the WW empire once more.

My boss was just talking about an interesting idea. What if you're a really good surfer, but you've lived in Iowa your whole life, so you don't know it? I've always thought that deep inside, I'm a runner. I've just never been healthy enough to do more than amble and wheeze. But what if I'm a really good runner, but I've lived in this body my whole life, so I don't know it? I intend to find out.

Positives

In all honesty, day one was a bust. But I am NOT giving up. In fact, I'm not even going to acknowledge the failures.  I'm going to post the positives about yesterday:

• I ate a taco salad for lunch. I had intended to have a plain salad, but the cafeteria guy brought me a taco salad because he knows I love them. So I had a taco salad instead of the usual Taco Bell drive-thru. 
• For dinner, I had about 4 ounces of deliciously baked chicken, a bunch of roasted zucchini and some white rice.
• I was present while I ate. I paid attention to what my body was telling me, and I made notes of the different feelings so I can relearn its language.
• I only ate 3 pips from a Hershey bar, rather than the whole thing.

So...there's the positives. Today is another day. In fact, tomorrow is yet another day. And every day is an opportunity to get better at this. I do not have to be perfect from the get-go. In fact, I NEVER have to be perfect. Fuck perfection. I am Lindsy, hear me roar.

Wagon Wednesday

How random is it to start back on the proverbial wagon on a Wednesday in the middle of May? No one would expect it. Which is why I'm here.

I'm not sharing my struggles and successes with anyone who can't read this blog, so maybe...two people? I'm just so very tired of this lifelong battle. I'm tired of starting and getting everyone excited and supportive and then failing and seeing that disappointment. Worse, I'm tired of saying I'm going to start making healthy changes again and seeing absolutely no response but, "That's nice..." in a very disbelieving tone. I don't blame anyone. I have trouble believing in me, too. But you can't stop until you're dead, right? And I'm not ready for that.

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in forever. I have MyFitnessPal back on the main screen of my iPhone. My FitBit is charged up and ready to go. I'm about to go downstairs to the cafeteria and have a salad for lunch. I can DO this.

Things I'm looking forward to changing:

• When I nod my head, I won't have to feel the fat under my chin move.
• When I look at myself sideways in a mirror, I won't be shocked by how little curve there is from the bottom of my boobs to the beginning of my stomach.
• When I wear short sleeve shirts...wait. WEARING short sleeve shirts. Because right now, I don't. Even when it's 100 degrees outside.
• When going out or meeting up with friends, I won't feel that panic of how they're going to feel when they meet me and see how much weight I've gained.
• Not seeing my mother every time I look in the mirror.
• Walking up or down stairs and not wincing at the pain shooting through my knee.
• Eating fresh vegetables! How did I get away from this? I LOVE fresh vegetables. A lot.

I've lost weight before. I have been 50 pounds less than I currently am. I remember those days very fondly. I miss that person. I miss feeling healthier and having more energy.

So today, on Wednesday, May 20, 2015, I am back on the wagon. And I'm putting on my seat belt so I don't fall off when I hit a bump.